Fresno Barbie

All the Fresno area stereotypes rolled up into the world of Barbie:

River Park Barbie



This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Physical Trainer Rocky. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Fig Garden Barbie



This princess Barbie is sold only at BB Pepper. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a Gary McDonald custom home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Clovis Barbie



This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan or Chevy Tahoe and matching gym outfit. She has no full-time occupation. This soccer mom enjoys shopping at Target and eating lunch at Tahoe Joe's. Home Builder Ken or Law Enforcement Ken sold separately.

Pinedale Barbie



This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Tarpey Village Barbie



This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sunnyside Barbie



This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Tarpey Village Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Tower District Barbie



This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. She works at Costco, eats lunch at Irene's on Saturday's and goes to Express for drinks.

Westside Barbie



This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and FAX bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy with 22" dubs were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.