The Dangers of Fracking

Only a 30% chance of Cthulhu, say fracking experts
www.thedailymash.co.uk

THE chances of shale gas exploration releasing a monstrous denizen of the underworld are less than one in three, experts have claimed.As the army continues to fight two hundred chittering, horned creatures released during a test extraction in Blackpool, energy companies insist they can keep demonic activity at levels that would be classed as 'normal' for a seaside town.

Roy Hobbs, an engineer with Shell, said: "By my calculations the Shadow Lord Cthulhu currently rests nine leagues deeper than the shale gas so I'm sure it'll be fine.

"Nevertheless, we have some of the best hooded, eyeless priests in the industry who will be on call 24 hours a day to maintain the sanctity of the work site through a series of incantations and holy artefacts, as well as checking for hard hats and security passes."

Hobbs stressed it was now more than three years since a shale gas rig last brought forth That Which Darkness Itself Fears.

He added: "The technology has improved dramatically since then so even if we do unleash a reign of sorrow lasting a thousand generations, the profit margin will be close to £50 a second."

Fracking advocates claim that shale gas offers a long-term, sustainable source of energy because it is both environmentally risky and more expensive than oil.

Meanwhile, residents of other shale gas sites are suing over fracking side-effects including earthquakes, exploding tap water and 120ft long tentacles pulling their house into the netherworld.

One Pennsylvania family were admitted to hospital after an unexplained outbreak of screaming succubae attached to their faces, which lawyers blamed on a nearby wind farm.

That cracked me up.